Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Bad, bad day..

Well, The Big One has done it YET again. She went out Sunday night and when she came home Monday afternoon, she looked as tho she had done drugs or had been drinking. She was passed out on the couch all day long. I kept asking her what she had done and she told me to take money out of her wallet and buy a drug test to prove that she hadn't done anything. All day long she was passed out, either on the couch, my bed or in her room. I told her that I had had it and that she had to move out. She blamed HErman and I for her condition because her insulin was home and we wouldn't let her come home after 1am Sunday night.  (This, because, she is very inconsiderate when she comes home. She's noisy and she starts looking around the kitchen for something to eat/drink. Lights go on, goes in the bathroom right outside my door..Arghhhh.) So, we hear her ALL NIGHT LONG last night, coughing and throwing up. At 4am this morning she comes upstairs to my bedroom and tells me that she needs to getto the hospital because she's blacking out and her heart is racing. Up I get, take her to the hospital. I literally dropped her off there. On the way out of the house, she screamed at Herman, " I hate you!! F*** YOU!!"

All day long she kept telling me that all this was my fault...she wanted to die...why did I have to give birth to her?...she didn't ask to be born...her life was awful..and that I have had an easy life!! PLEASE..To me, life is what you choose to make it. And she has choosen this life.

All we expected of her was for her to take care of herself, not use drugs or drink, to work so that she could support her medications..We pay the car insurance, the food bill..Damn..she's into us for well over $2000.00!! And she claims that she's not paying us back because WE OWE HER THIS..because PARENTS ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE THEIR CHILDREN AND DO THINGS FOR THEM. Um, yeah...but she's 22 years old and should be supporting herself.  When she was is school we didn't pressure her...but she quit school last week because we got mad at her for drinking and getting violently ill and winding up in the hospital. School for the 1 semester she was in, was approx. $800.00, of which we wouldn't have asked her to pay back.

So Herman and I had YET another sleepless night because of her and we're both exhausted. So much so that I had to leave work early (besides the fact that it was dead and there were 4 waiters on) because I thought I was gonna burst into tears. Now I have to cancel the cell phone that she swore she would pay us for and we have yet to see a dime...I have to tell her (not today, because I'll wind up screaming)that she CANNOT come back home and that she needs to get her things out of the house as soon as she's well enough.

You know, yes..I love my daughter but I HATE the things that she's doing. to herself and to us. She shows no signs of being responsible for herself. She has shown no gratitude for us allowing her to move back in and support her. This is a child who was living in a damn car last summer, nothing to eat and a $200.00 a day drug habit..(if not more)..I don't take credit for her getting better...she did that. But then don't blame ME when you screw up!!

I'm so upset right now..verge of tears at work..Thankfully I have a therapist appointment today. Then I need to get to Church to clean the refrigerator so that I can fit 250 pieces of chicken in there on Friday.

I know, I know...chin up..look ahead...somedays it's really hard to, tho...And today is just one of those days....

UPDATE: The Big One just called and claims that her drug and alcohol screens came back negative...Is in ICU and says that she is in very bad shape...Why then do I feel no sympathy??


annalisa135 said...

you need a serious hug, honey.  i feel so bad listening to what you're going thru.  i don't know how you do it or where you find the strength to keep going day after day.  

Yes, you love her.  You always will.  Of course you're concerned about what she's doing to herself, how she appears ungrateful, isn't doing anything to help out, plus the fact that she thinks you owe her.  

You fulfilled your obligation.  You loved her and nurtured her into adulthood.  Now she needs to accept responsibility for her own actions and bills and responsibilities.

She sounds seriously depressed, possibly suicidal with all the things she was saying "she wanted to die, why did you give birth to her?" etc.  Has she ever received psychiatric help?  maybe a hospital stay in the psychiatric ward?  she might need anti depressants or some other medication to get her brain chemistry on the right track.  if she won't admit herself, you could involuntarily admit her.  its only a short term thing, but it might bring big relief.

Thank God you have a therapist and are able to get all of your thoughts and feelings out.  You need some serious time for YOU.  It would be so nice if you could get away for a couple days, relax, do nothing but take care of YOU.  Not sure if you are able to do that though.  At the very least, fill the bathtub up with hot bubbly scented water and soak by candlelight with a good glass of wine.  

ggal3133 said...

oh wow hugs for you!
I'm glad that you have a therapist, venting and being able to talk to someone is always a good thing and you have J land which I find helps too. It maybe a good idea to try and get your dd into some sort of therapy or program, I know easier said than done but it would be a small step in the right direction. Hang in there!