Thursday, October 30, 2003

It's another day..

Hi!'s been a quiet day. I've just been hanging out all day. On the verge of tears sometimes. I don't know why. I believe it's because I've been thru sooo much with my daughters that my mind and my soul need a break. Almost like post traumatic stress syndrome. What I really need to do is to get to the gym and find a damn job! LOL!!

Halloween is of course all 4 kids are trying to get their costumes together. The 15 year old is going to be an escaped mental patient from the psych ward at Bellevue (trust me, not a stretch!) and she needed handcuffs...4 stores later I found them. (She was babysitting.) The 14 year old is going to be an angel...quite a strecth!!! The 21 year old is going to be goth. My son is going to be a vampire. He's ALWAYS  a vampire!!

I'm going to pose as a happy, well-adjusted mother of 4 perfect children.

Yeah, RIGHT! LOL. G'night.


Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Amother day....

Well..I HAVE calmed down quite a bit. The big one finally showed up at the house around midnight on Monday night. Since then, she has spent virtually every waking moment with her best friend Dana. We've barely see her. To her credit, she did go to the Medicaid office and get the paperwork started. (It's almost emabarassing that she's on public assistance but she can no longer be on our insurance because she's not a full time student.) She went out (half-heartedly) to go job hunting. Enough about her..

The other kids are doing ok. I have really been trying to keep calm about situations that constantly arise...who has an F in math, who fights with siblings, who comes in stoned, etc...I have been spending alot of time in my bedroom lately. Just trying to keep my sanity, I suppose. But what do they do? Of course! They immediately follow me into my room and start bothering me!!

Thank GOD for my husband and my church. My husband really keeps me grounded and my church really keeps me busy! I'm a Deacon so there's always something going on. I also help out in the 5th and 6th grade Sunday school and I was recently asked to be a covenant partner for the next confirmation class. Whew! But I really love my church family!! It's so nice to be a part of something good.

Well...I guess that's it for now. Nothing on TV tonight but I can always find an old movie or a great cooking show! Anyway, G'night!

Monday, October 27, 2003

The big one checks out..

Well, the big one checked out of rehab today....Not really checked out, more like she got tossed out. Apparently she was fraternizing too much. The rehab had strict rules about girl- boy contact. Not even allowed to make eye-contact. What realllly pisses me off is the fact that she didn't bother to call me to come and get her. Noooo...she decided to get a hotel room with the 3 other people who were tossed out!!!! I received a phone call at 3pm (didn't get it til 4pm, when I got home) stating that she had been discharged at 9am this morning!! Of course, I was frantic wondering what happened to her. I called all the people she could have possible no avail. Finally, at 7pm, she called to say that she was ok and would it be alright if she stayed with her 3 friends at a hotel for the evening??!! "NOOOOOO!!", I screamed.

You have to understand.....I have been throught this too many times...I have given her this "last chance" to get things right in her life...And I really mean that this is indeed her last chance with us. SHe may be clean but she's still playing the addict role. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place..I'm damned if I throw her out (she may die from an OD) and I'm damned if I let her stay here ( she'll continue to live here as though this were a hotel).

You know, I really thought that this was it. She wanted to stay clean and be here with her family. But why doesn't she show any responsibility for herself? Why must I make the rules and thus be the "bad guy"?? We have been there for her through her recovery but yet she feels the need to go against our wishes? Yes..I realize that she is 21 years old but she really is only 14 years old, mentally, anyway..She needs direction. And we have tried to give her that but it's like going against a rip tide.

I'm sooo tired from this... I don't know that I can fight this battle any longer, for my own sanity. I have done everything possible, imaginable, whatever...I have done it. And I think that I may be done if she doesn't start making mature, adult, responsible decisions regarding her future.

That's all I have for tonight.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

Several good days in a row!!

Do you kinda get the feeling that I LOVE the Dave Matthews Band?! Well...YES I DO! Heard from the big one..she's doing well in rehab...Yee Haw! Have tried to be in a better frame of mind lately. I think that the therapist is a bit worried that I may be suffering from depression. Yeah, well..I might. I sleep too much, I drink too much..I cry too much. I just do everything TOO MUCH!! Anywayyyyyyy...I'm not worried about myself...yet. I still have some sense of control. Albeit, not too much control. Ever feel like you're spiraling downwards? That's me lately....But I can always pull it together,if not just for a moment...

Herman (my husband) has his powerlifting meet on Saturday morning. His parents will be down tomorrow afternoon so that they can be there at 8:30am Saturday morning to watch him. Right now he's in the hot tub with Mark and Heather, his "gym friends" with whom I have nothing in common..other than the fact that we live in the same town! LOL!!

Welllllll.....I guess I should turm in for the night..but WAIT!! I need to watch the World Series! Last time I checked, the Yankees were behind, 1-4...Yikes! I'd better go and offer some fan support! (Truth be told..I only watch the Yankees when they make the Worls Series...which has been pretty much the past several years!!)


Monday, October 20, 2003

After the weekend...Monday

A quiet weekend. Wanted to do something, go somewhere, see someone...Instead, stayed around the house, doing normal every weekday kinds of things. Laundry, cleaning..well, you get the picture. When I was a child, my parents would often take us on spur of the moments trips. Flemington, New Hope, Pt. Pleasant..anywhere.Once they loaded us into the car at 3am and took us to Washington, D.C.! Anyway, my husband is not the free spirited, spontaneous person that I've always been.  We are soooo different. Many people who know us separately are amazed when they see us together. They say, "She's/He's your wife/husband? I would have never guessed!" Too funny! We are the epitome of the ying/yang thing..But it works for us. He was "Disco Dan" while I stood on the beach yelling "Disco Sucks!" I get frantic and he calms me down with his reasoning. We don't even look like a couple! He's 5'10", dark-complexioned, and built like a powerlifter. (Good thing, seeing as he IS a powerlifter! LOL!) He weighs 205lbs. Me, I'm tall (5'10") fair-skinned, 150 pounds (yikes! THAT hurt!) and I have long golden hair (Listen to CSN "Guinnevere). I'm the hippie, he's the conservative white collar type. Anyway, how'd I get onto this subject?! Oh yeah...he's not spontaneous! So...Have I failed to mention that the big one (our oldest daughter) finally went to rehab? We took her on Thursday morning. She went willingly, which is in and of itself a great start! Say a small prayer for her if you remember.

I'm off to a dream-filled g'night!

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

The oldest one leaves tomorrow..

Well...she got  the call today. My oldest daughter, a 21 year old with a heroin addiction, leaves for rehab tomorrow morning. I look at ot as another step in the journey through recovery. She's been clean for 5 weeks and that's great! This is the longest amount of time she's been clean. She seems to be very committed to getting well. She has to. She's also suffers from Juvenile Diabetes (insulin dependent) that she has very little control over. (She's what they refer to as a "brittle diabetic", meaning she has very poor control over her blood sugars that are affected by just about everything, emotions included.) So we pray a little (BIG!) prayer that she at least kicks her heroin addiction so that she can effectively deal with her diabetes. We just recently allowed her to stay with us while she waited for a bed to open up in rehab. SHe has been indigent for several years, no insurance.

Wednesday, October 8, 2003

Bad day

Feeling down today...not even sure why. Kids are all being difficult and snotty and I take it personally, I guess. Had meeting at church last night from7:30p til almost 10p! Got email from paranormal investigators stating that they'd like to come on Nov 8 to do the investigation. Maybe I'll go to my sister's tonight, hang out and drink tea. Doesn't sound like GRAND fun?! LOL! Spoke to Mikey the other day..God! Do I miss him! Sometimes he could make sense of things for me. Besides, we had so much fun together. No one believes that we were just friends but that was really it. I love him to death but I could never be with him. Not really my type. Oh well...I'm rambling so I'd better stop for now. Let's hope for a better day tomorrow, ok? Thanks!


Monday, October 6, 2003

The paranormal investigators

The paranormal investigators came on Saturday...very nice people! We all told about our little experiences...and we've all had them! They are very interested in doing an investigation in early November. They'll have approx 4-6 people here with cameras and other detection equipment. They said they'll be here for about 2 hours. I'm looking forward to it!

Today was the blood drive at church...What a disappointing turnout! We normally get about 40 pints donated but we only had 15 pints this time! Maybe the timing was off...It's Yom Kippur and some families took advantage of the 3 day weekend. Oh live, you learn! Unicameral Board meeting tomorrow! (NOT!) Time to hang with my husband..I think I remember who he is! LOL!


Wednesday, October 1, 2003

My first entry

AOL Music: The AOL Concert For Schools - Live! From Central Park

Where do I even start? Kids all made it to school today! Doesn't happen that often but when it does, I couldn't be more thrilled! And am I doing the laundry or cleaning the kitchen or vacuuming? OF COURSE NOT! I'm totally enjoying the peace and quiet! Silly you for even thinking that I would actually be doing housework! Well, I am waiting for the paranormal research team to call  me to set up a meeting. Did I mention that my house is haunted? Not in a bad scary stuff happening. Just a bunch of "people" who do not financially contribute to the running of the house, wandering around. Harmless, really. Several children have been seen in my kid's bedrooms. Anyway, it should be interesting to see what they find out. I'll keep you posted! Enough for now..later!