So much has happened...some good, some bad..

Where to start...

I guess we'll start with the "good". Last Saturday night I was able to catch up with my girlfriend Diana. Diana and I were best friends throughout high school. We shared many an adventure! Diana moved to CA when she was 17. Last time I saw her was about 12 or so years ago. (My kids were really young.) So, what did we do? I met Diana, her daughter Jesse, Jesse's friend Ashley, Diana's sister Vera, and Vera's daughter Dana at Penn Station around 7pm on Saturday night. It was too funny. Diana and Vera both looked at me and exclaimed "Oh my God! You look EXACTLY the same!!" (Is this good or bad?!LOL!) I cannot tell you how happy I was to see Diana again! She and I were tighter than sisters at one point of our lives.  So...anyway...We proceeded to Chinatown for dinner. Dinner was good. I had chicken in curry sauce. We all kind of shared what we ordered (pork fried rice, sweet and sour pork, pork lo mein, beef and green peas, etc...) It was all pretty good. (Just some hole-in-the-wall place we found walking down Canal Street.) From there the younger girls wanted to do some shopping so we obliged them. Finally we wound up in the Lower East Village at Coyote Ugly! WHAT A BLAST! We had a great time! The younger girls danced on the bar in true Coyote Ugly fashion! They earned the shirts that they either received as gifts form male patrons or bought themselves. (Please, search "Coyote Ugly" to see what this place is all about!) Ok..the place was a tiny hole-in-the-wall but what alot of fun we had! Herman drove into the city to pick me up, as taking the train home at 130am by myself was totally UNAPPEALING. I was the 1st to leave. (Side note: Vera was soooo f'n pissy that night...but she's always been this way. I told her daughter (Dana) that Id go to the city with her anytime she wanted to go.) I had hoped to see Diana before she left (earlier today) but it never worked out that way. I'm hoping to take a road trip out to CA ( Martinez, 30 miles northwest of San Francisco) in the next year. This way I can spend time with Diana, no distractions!

Ok...now on to bad news. I recently received an email from my mom that totally BLASTED me for being a terrible mother to Jackie. I received this email about a week ago and have yet to get over it. This email was totally inappropriate and completely uncalled for. Prior to this email, my mother had IMd (didn't call, didn't have Jackie call)  me to ask me to pay for Jackie's medication yet again. I signed off before I had to answer, as I was taken off guard. The next day my mom emailed me to say that she was waiting for my response. My response was, 

Hi Mom,

    I'm sorry but I cannot afford to pay for Jackie's medications. Jackie should be checking into programs that the drug companies offer for people who cannot afford medication. It's unfortunate that she waits until she is completely out of her medication before she worries about where the next prescription is coming from. This is something that Jackie needs to take care of. As long as she knows that someone is going to pay her way, she won't be forced to take care of herself and her needs.

Love, Sharon

 

The next day I received such a scathing email from my mother that I was unable to read the email in it's entirety. I deleted the email before I was able to read it through. It was so awful. Such accusations. Calling me a bad mother. Telling me that Jackie was a "victim". You know what? I don't like anyone who plays the "victim" card. In any case, this email has caused me such grief that I am not planning on spending the holidays with my mother and sister. They have turned this into a situation that makes people choose "sides"...There are no sides to this. This has nothing to do with us loving or not loving Jackie. My mother is doing Jackie such a disservice by enabling her. In my mind, my mother is helping Jackie kill herslf. You provide for her so that she has money to stick a needle in her arm?! How are you saving her?!! I have never told my mother that she cannot help Jackie...that's up to her. Then tonight Becky received an IM from Jackie, who told her that she had totalled her car yesterday. She said that something fell behind and got stuck behind her brake and she plowed thru a red light. I suppose this means that the cars she crashed into will be seeking compensation since the accident was clearly her fault. She's supposedly in a methadone treatment program. Should she be driving? She's "under the influence", because it is a drug. When will she ever learn? All we want is for her to be back in a program that makes her become responsible for herself. When she was in AZ, she was atotally different person. She was self reliant, responsible..in charge of her life. We offered to send her back but my mother (interfered) talked her out of it. And yet, my mother claims that we don't care about Jackie. All we want is for Jackie to be healthy and happy. And we feel that this is NOT going to happen back here in NJ. She has too many people (my mom and my sister) who will allow her to lay around the house and watch tv all day long...in other words, enable her.. When does this all end? I can tell you that we have no hope for her as long as she stays near my family. They think that they are helping when in actuality they are really only helping to speed the process of her killing herself. They just don't get it. There's just so much going on with Jackie that I cannot even begin to explain...

 

Sorry to vent..I just needed an outlet. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. And it doesn't matter, because my family still won't get it. They won't get it. They'll blame me for the rest of Jackie's life.

 

Can't write anymore.

Peace.